“You didn’t get me – I wasn’t playing!”

The grief of accepting your injustice

I was thinking about the games we used to play as children and how every time there was always one kid who would say anything to avoid the devastating loss of being the first one found in hide and seek. You could find them folded in the cupboard under the sink and they would still exclaim that they were never playing your silly game in the first place- that, actually, they were quite enjoying sitting silently in the darkness before you all rudely interrupted them.

The sting of loss is ingrained within everyone, which is why possessing the ability to admit it when you have lost is something revered. However, many of us believe that we have matured beyond this denial-based coping mechanism after childhood; that we’re no longer afraid to lose because we find security in our so-called rationality. In actuality, denial is a tool still used so commonly, we no longer notice ourselves wielding it.

We can first understand this through the plain and direct example of grief. As something that touches all of us at some point in our lives, many people have experienced, or are at least acquainted, with the phrase “denial is the first stage of grief”. However, the multitude of different ways that this denial can manifest itself is far less understood. Denial is not a point blank refusal of reality; it can be knowing that there is no one to answer the phone anymore, yet still calling it anyway. It can be being so confident in your inner peace and acceptance that you angrily lash out at anyone who asks you about it. It can be watching your house burn for 30 minutes before calling the fire brigade. Denial is our brain protecting ourselves when we are not yet ready to face a new reality.

With this widened scope of denial, it becomes much easier to understand how and why people seem to act ‘irrationally’ in the face of abuse. Although it is becoming less common, there are still people who challenge survivors of abuse because they are unsatisfied with the how much the victim put into fighting back. What these individuals fail to empathise with is how traumatising the act of fighting back in itself can be. In 2023, The Guardian reported that 70% of rape victims drop out of investigations in England and Wales, largely because the victims could no longer bare the emotional turmoil of the process. The same is true for all kinds of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual: having the conviction to stand up to an abuser takes a strength that would not be expected of most people. This sentiment is corroborated by The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH), who writes “It can be difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been or are being abused […] or (they believe) experiencing abuse is a sign of weakness.”

What should be outlined is that in order to battle against an abuser, you must accept that you are being abused. What makes this even more difficult is that this also requires opening yourself up to the potential of losing a fight. Circling back to the example of a childhood game, if you refuse to accept that you were ever ‘playing’ originally, then you will never have to taste the sting of defeat.

The have most recently been noticing this coping mechanism within the socio-political sphere. To be direct, I would often question women who are anti-feminist or queer people who denounce the lgbt+ community: I couldn’t understand why someone would push so hard against people who are fighting on their behalf However, when I began to view it as any other form of denial, I gained a newfound empathy. To accept that you have been mistreated, or that the system which governs you is corrupt, is a painful thing to come to terms with – this denial of suffering is yet another demonstration of fear, sadness and grief.

I remember speaking with my ethics teacher in sixth form, who said that she ‘used to be a feminist but gave up’. While we both laughed, her words were entirely truthful. There is a reason that political advocates were mockingly labelled as ‘social justice warriors’ online back in 2017: there is a recognition. from both sides, that continually picking up on issues is exhausting. This could also give an answer as to why, in the 2024 general election, a majority of 18-24 year old’s (47%) had planned to vote for Labour, whereas the majority of voters 65 and over (40%) stuck with the Conservatives (D. Clark, Statista 2024). While the drastically differing socialisation and living circumstances cannot be ignored, the idea that people generally become less liberal in their politics can be traced as far back as the 4th century, such as in Aristotle’s rhetoric: ‘[Young people] are high-minded because they have not yet been humbled by life, nor have they experienced the force of circumstances’. Although this is mostly criticising the youth’s childish naivety, there is an underlining pessimism that ‘the force of life’ will eventually wear you down into submission; it is important that the youth learn the futility in battling all of life’s burdens.

In some ways, I admit that there is a truth to all of this. I do not hold any animosity against people who have grown apathetic to life’s politics. However, I believe that if more people recognised what we are doing – that we are burying our heads in the sand as a solution to a problem which we deny exists – then we can overcome it. Because, as any therapist will attest, identifying the problem is the first step to acceptance, as cliché as the phrase often sounds. Once we grant ourselves the vindication that we are truly unhappy with something, we can begin that process of grief rather than remaining perpetually trapped in a phase of denial.

Also, more than anything, I am highlighting the importance of empathy in these kinds of discussions. I sincerely hope that, moving forward, we can support each other through each of our major and minor stages of grief, even if that is a game of hide and seek.